January 21, 2016
OK, I admit it, I have been holding back. I have been writing about “safe” topics like green tea, healing oils and drinking water. Let’s say if that was testing the water, then this piece is jumping right in. It is me sharing a very vulnerable part of my journey. You may be asking yourself, why the hell is she doing this? I will tell you, it is so simple: If I can help one person out of the deep dark hole I was in, by sharing this raw part of myself, it is worth it. So please read and share if you’d like.
What is holding you back?
Around seven years ago, when I was about six months pregnant, I knew I wanted to make a change in my life. When I found out I was having a daughter, I knew I would be her number one role model. If I was wildly unhealthy how on earth could I expect to raise a healthy child? So I sought help. I used my OBGYN to recommend me to a new primary care provider. The first visit to a new provider didn’t go as well as I had hoped. I saw a nurse practitioner, who was super nice, but I felt a weird sense of judgement from her. I was a blubbering overweight pregnant women with a list as long as my arm of issues: migraines, carpel tunnel, depression with anxiety, and insomnia just to name a few. She didn’t know where to start! She wanted to wait until I delivered to help me with any of my issues. While she agreed I needed to lose weight her advice was to eat better and get exercise. DUH! Thankfully I decided to ask my OBGYN for another referral and that is when I met my medical soulmate! She was also a nurse practitioner (ARNP) and while she also agreed that I needed to lose weight, she wanted to get to the root of how I got so unhealthy in the first place. She wanted to attack each of my issues one by one. She wanted me to get healthy before I tried to tackle my weight.
My migraines are debilitating. They make me nauseous, I most often vomit, and I feel like I am going to die. Because I have had them the majority of my life, I know that I will survive them, but they suck. They were the first thing my new ARNP wanted to tackle. She sent me to a phenomenal neurologist where I received cutting edge treatments and now I get them 80% less frequently.
Second, she sent me in for nerve testing for my hands. For nearly ten years my hands had been numb. Numb when I drove, numb when I walked any further than one block, numb when I worked, and numb when I did absolutely anything. While doing my own research, I was convinced I had nerve damage from diabetes (self diagnosis), so I never had them checked. (I didn’t even have diabetes!!) I have served food my whole life, except for a three year stint cutting hair, and the number one work related injury for both professions is carpel tunnel. Ugh. The nerve damage testing showed that I had severe nerve damage in both hands so I was referred to a great hand surgeon and had both hands repaired. I remember waking up from surgery and feeling my hand for the first time in ten years! I wanted to kick myself HARD for not seeking help sooner.
Next, was my insomnia. This one is tricky and maybe controversial. I’ll just be honest, I take a sleep aid now, and I get a full eight hours of sleep per night. Before I got treatment for insomnia there were nights I never went to sleep. Try functioning as a human being while trying to make healthy choices on zero sleep. With more rest I found I was more capable of making more rational decisions with less emotion involved. I was a better mother, wife, partner at work, and friend. As I have become healthier, I have experimented with more natural sleep remedies, but have returned to what my doctor prescribed. I am not an advocate for pills, I always try and go the natural route first. For me, this is what works.
Then there was the depression and anxiety. A lot of the anxiety had to do with being in a body that felt so foreign to me. Even though I spent the better part of twenty years being overweight, it never felt like “me”. I hated going out in public, seeing old friends or acquaintances, and I just was so disappointed in myself at all times it was hard getting out of bed everyday. My ARNP’s first line of defense was sending me to a therapist. I was nervous and dreaded it, but it turned out to be a wonderful journey of self discovery. I only went for twelve sessions, but I found some good coping skills for my anxiety and felt much better.
At the urging of my neurologist I quit drinking wine in 2013. Wine was my drink of choice, so when I stopped the wine, I quit drinking alcohol all together. It was very easy because my husband doesn’t drink, so it’s not part of our daily life. There were definitely some times when I had to relearn how to socialize without a drink in hand, but overall it was very easy for me. It was only after three “dry” months that I realized maybe I was “alcohol intolerant”. I think I am allergic to alcohol in the same way others have food intolerances. I have read literature that indicates that alcohol can remain in your system for weeks after it’s consumed and wreak havoc on your mental health. Don’t get me wrong, I used alcohol to try and make social situations more comfortable and to help with sleep. Alcohol was definitely holding me back from being my best self.
My ARNP looked at my whole health picture. She made me deal with every single one of my symptoms and my weight took care itself once I took care of all of the symptoms. In other words, you have to be somewhat healthy to get healthy. You have to ask yourself why am I making decisions that are negatively impacting my health? Are you miserable for other reasons other than your weight? Your issues will obviously be wildly different than mine. I would recommend your first step in getting help is to find your medical soulmate. Tick off every issue you have, big or small, mental and physical, as they all contribute to your health. Perhaps don’t start with a diet and exercise plan, maybe start deeper than that. Ask yourself why you make unhealthy decisions. Do you have a list as long as mine? Do you have childhood trauma you haven’t dealt with? Do you have depression/anxiety? You can get help. When people say my change happened SO FAST, it did not. It was seven years in the making. It started with me in my ARNP’s office bawling my eyes out in 2009 saying, “This is not who I am! This is not who I want to be anymore. Please help me because I don’t know how to how to be any other way.”
I hope by being honest and vulnerable you can find the strength to help yourself, or be compassionate to others struggling. I can only speak for myself, because I know beautiful people in all shapes and sizes that are happy in their own skin, but I was not happy being overweight. Being overweight held me back from being my best self. I honestly wasted most of my adult life thinking about my weight and not knowing where to start. I know there is judgement on people who struggle with their weight and it makes me so sad. Just remember we are all fighting a battle, unfortunately those who struggle with their weight just wear their battle for all to see.
Feel free to share. I have the utmost respect and love for everyone and all body sizes. This is just my journey and I was not happy. I didn’t think there was hope for me. My prayer is that I can help one person who thinks their struggle is unique.
Be well.
